Why the Key to a Strong Relationship Could be Something as Simple as a Cup of Tea

...why it's the little things that can ultimately make, or break, a relationship



Make or break: The little things can make the difference: Getty

Small gestures of love are the things that can make or break a relationship. We start off making our partner’s dinner or bringing them a cup of tea in bed and we are more than happy to do it.

 

But fast-forward and we find that after years of living under the same roof, with maybe a couple of children or more in tow, it becomes too much effort or we simply forget to do these little things.

 

We can sometimes become intimate strangers, so overwhelmed by worrying about the bills, where to go on holiday or what the kids are having for their lunch that we forget about the person who is sitting right opposite us.

 

January is one of the busiest times of year for the marriage guidance service Relate because when people spent time over Christmas together they really reflect on their relationships, assess whether they are happy and whether they are getting what they want out of them.

 

Think about this. At the same time of year we are willing to go on a drastic diet to squeeze into that little black dress or to give up drinking to lose weight, when it comes to enduring ­relationships... we sort of expect them to magically happen. (Find the Love you want online: Fish2Fish)

 

People sometimes believe that if they have walked down the aisle or lived together for 10 years then the joyful glow of the early days should just continue. But we have got to put the effort in here – just as we do in the other areas of our lives.

 

A lot of couples I work with say they have lost the fun and they don’t have a laugh together any more. Even sex becomes a chore and sometimes people can’t be bothered, or one partner wants it more than the other. But as soon as you put the fun back in, you start looking at each other as people again and see that you can still have a laugh.

 

When it comes to sex, a lot of couples get bogged down in worrying about their bodies. They may compare themselves to airbrushed Hollywood stars or worry they’re not attractive to their partner any more, perhaps after having kids. It’s vital to ditch that way of thinking and see sex as something you are going to do together for fun and pleasure.

 

Holding hands, hugging, kissing, having a snog and reminding your partner that you love them are just as important as sex. Investing in these small tokens of affection can make all the difference, and the more regularly you do it, the more it becomes a habit. One lady I worked with told me that her husband never told her he loved her any more. So I got him to write little loving Post-it notes for her and leave them around the house.

 

That meant so much more to her than the big bouquet of flowers he sent on her birthday. It is little gestures like that that make your partner feel loved, cared for and noticed. Couples who have been together for a long time often get bogged down in routine. One will make the dinner, the other will put the telly on, then they’ll have a cup of tea and then go to sleep.

 

That can drain the joy out of life together. Doing things as a couple, such as going to a dance class, can make all the difference. Having shared experiences where you have fun can make you remember times when you laughed together and realise that you can still enjoy life just as much as ever.

 

A joint experience also gives you something else to talk about outside from the routine of everyday life.

 

One lady I know loves writing, so her husband bought her a gift of going to a writers’ club. She has never loved him so much because he had truly heard what she had said. He really took notice of it and acted on it. It was a little gesture.

 

People shouldn’t take their partners for granted, which is easy to do if you have been together for a long time. If your partner comes in from work tired, make them a cup of tea, ask about their day. That really matters to someone.

 

When things do break down and you have an argument it is really important to apologise. It can be hard, but if can look somebody in the eye and say “I’m sorry” it defuses the anger and before you know it you are back saying “I love you” again.

 

People say you should count to 10 if you get an angry thought, but it has been scientifically proven that it takes NINETY seconds to get from the beginning to the end of an angry feeling. So if you feel you are going to lose it with your partner, take a 90-second time out before opening your mouth.

 

Couples need shared goals. I know many worry about money, but if you have a shared goal of how much you want to save, where you want to go on holiday, or how you want to spend that little nest egg, talking about it together is going to make things work so much better than having secrets or getting resentful.

 

In the end, falling in love is easy. Being in love and staying in love is where the effort comes in.

You have to think about what you and your partner want from each other... and how to rediscover what you have lost along the way.

Find out if you've lost that loving feeling

Five questions to make you think about whether your relationship is in trouble:
1 . How does your partner make you feel when you are together?
2 . How much does your partner praise or put you down?
3 . Do you like your partner most of the time/some of the time/hardly at all?
4 . When you row, do you repeatedly bring up other issues that are still brooding under the surface and play the blame game?
5 . When you spend time with your partner do you wish you were somewhere else instead?

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The Sacred Art of Listening -- Nourishing Loving Relationships

The Sacred Art of Listening -- Nourishing Loving Relationships

To listen is to lean in softly
With a willingness to be changed
By what we hear 
-- Mark Nepo

What happens when there's a listening presence?

When we're fully in that listening presence, when there's that pure quality of receptivity, we become presence itself. And whether you call that God or pure awareness or our true nature, the boundary of inner and outer dissolves and we become a luminous field of awakeness. When we're in that open presence we can really respond to the life that's here. We fall in love.

This state of listening is the precursor or the prerequisite to loving relatedness. The more you understand the state of listening-of being able to have the sounds of rain wash through you, of receiving the sound and tone of another's voice -- the more you know about nurturing a loving relationship.

In a way it's an extremely vulnerable position. As soon as you stop planning what you're going to say or managing what the other person's saying, all of a sudden, there's no control. You're open to your own sadness, your own anger and discomfort. Listening means putting down control. It's not a small thing to do.

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We spend most of our moments when someone is speaking, planning what we're going to say, evaluating it, trying to come up with our presentation of our self, or controlling the situation.

Pure listening is a letting go of control. It's not easy and takes training. And yet it's only when we can let go of that controlling that we open up to the real purity of loving. We can't see or understand someone in the moments that we are trying to control what they are saying or trying to impress them with what we are saying. There's no space for that person to just unfold and be who they are. Listening and unconditionally receiving what another expresses, is an expression of love.

The bottom line is, when we are listened to, we feel connected. When we're not listened to, we feel separate. So whether it's the communicating between different tribes or religions, ethnicities, racial groups or different generations, we need to listen. The more we understand, the less we fear -- the less we fear, the more we trust and the more we trust, the more love can flow.

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Peter Lynagh , who has abstained from sex for a year. Photo: Pat Scala

A Year Without Sex Proves a Catalyst for Love

By his own admission, Pete Lynagh was ''completely shallow''. Picking up women was his thing. Weekends were a blur of parties, clubs and one-night stands.

But a lot can change in a year. After swearing off sex for 12 months on New Year's Day 2013, the 33-year-old has discovered a version of himself he's happy to see in the mirror. His vow of celibacy led to a spiritual awakening that transformed his outlook on life and love.

''My attitude now with relationships is about sharing a life, whereas before it was sharing a bed,'' he said. ''I could definitely say I was addicted to that need for validation from getting lots of sex. I felt empty inside. I didn't like myself. I felt good whenever I was feeling wanted from multiple girls. It's not a good place. It's a pathetic, sad place, really, looking back. It was all ego-driven. How many players out there are doing the same thing because they feel empty?''

But this is more than a tale of one man's year without sex. Through ''Pete's Chastity for Charity'' Facebook page, the Northern Irish-born boxing instructor and DJ raised more than $50,000 for Free to Shine, an Australian-founded organisation that rescues Cambodian children from sex slavery and provides them with educational scholarships.

In September, Mr Lynagh made an emotional journey to Cambodia to visit the children who, thanks to his efforts, are now in school instead of working in brothels.The money has been used to set up an office and employ staff, allowing the charity to boost the number of girls it is supporting from 70 to 150.

''I was so inspired by the kids over there. Some of the stories are horrific, but they're the happiest people I've ever met in my life. One of the girls was found in a bin. One was tied up in a bag and thrown in the river by her dad. One kid had HIV; she was 11. Her parents died of HIV and people in the village wouldn't go near her so she had to fend for herself,'' he said.

''These are kids who were at high risk of being sex trafficked because nobody was looking out for them. It was overwhelming at times to think that something that started out with my housemate betting me I couldn't

abstain from sex for a year, created all this stir and made this money to help these kids. It was so humbling I cried.''

His self-imposed chastity posed a number of challenges, which he documented in a blog and video diaries. Kissing was allowed, but no physical contact beyond that. When he found himself in a two-month relationship early in the year, ''animal attraction'' took over and he nearly broke his abstinence.

In hindsight, he sees it as a test. ''I was really attracted to her, but she wasn't interested in me. Again, I was just looking for external validation so the relationship was never going to work. I really didn't like myself due to some issues in my childhood and I really had to work through a lot of heavy stuff to get to know my true self.

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''Now, I have a purpose in life - to serve others - and I love myself warts and all. I'm excited about the prospect of finding a partner in the future.''

While he jokes that his original plan for New Year's Day 2014 was ''waking up in the Playboy mansion high-fiving Hugh Hefner and a dozen of his play bunnies'', celebrations were low-key. He had dinner with friends on New Year's Eve and was home in bed, alone and sober, by 10.30pm.

This year, rather than chasing women, his focus is a new role working with Melbourne-based NGO The Big Umbrella, which funds projects in Australia and overseas to help children live free from poverty and exploitation.

He doesn't know when his ''drought'' will break, but he knows what he wants.

''I'm craving companionship and intimacy, but I'm actually looking for a connection with a partner and then the sex will be a bonus. Going out and having meaningless sex just doesn't even appeal to me any more. Now, I'm attracted to depth and a woman's mind and her outlook on life and if she's genuine and honest and has a good heart. I've grown up.''

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This New Natural Testosterone Booster Has Men Everywhere Raving

Wow... I'm getting old.

It's a disturbing thought, one that usually hits after an unexpected physical challenge. Maybe you've been unable to maintain your usual workout levels, or recovery is taking a lot longer than it used to. Perhaps fixes to the house are just a bit more difficult, or you can't perform in the bedroom the way you used to.

What's most startling about this realization is that you don't normally "feel old" but, nevertheless, you know you don't look or feel like the man you used to be.

And the issue? You might not have enough free testosterone

A person's bloodstream contains two types of testosterone: bonded testosterone and free testosterone. Bonded testosterone attaches to molecules in the body and is mostly ineffective. However, free testosterone can enter your cells easily and plays a vital role in libido, strength, stamina, and vitality—all of which are important to men.

Over the last few years the market has been flooded with questionable options for increasing a man's free testosterone levels: useless pills, questionable supplements, and dangerous or illegal medical treatments. But now a group of researchers in Boston, Massachusetts have developed a dietary supplement that triggers the body to increase its levels of free testosterone naturally and safely.

Called Nugenix, the supplement primarily relies on an ingredient called Testofen®, which comes from the rare Fenugreek plant. Testofen® has been shown in clinical trials to boost free testosterone levels, increase sex drive, and improve libido. Adding to Nugenix's potency are additional key ingredients like zinc and vitamins B12 and B6, which have been shown to improve physical performance and strength, increase drive, and aid in recovery.

Nugenix has no harmful side effects, is manufactured in the United States under FDA Good Manufacturing Practices (GMP), and has been shown to deliver improvements in strength and endurance in as little as a week.

This isn't product hype delivered by a know-it-all enthusiast from the gym. According to studies held in both Irvine, California and Queensland, Australia, the results from Nugenix are nothing short of spectacular. From greater muscle definition and quicker recovery times, to increased sex drive and feelings of alertness, these users are reporting virtual transformations as a result of safely boosting their free testosterone with Nugenix.

Nugenix is the top selling men’s vitality product in GNC, outselling every other brand —many of which don’t contain the clinically substantiated amounts of Testofen® needed to see actual results.

Best of all, right now the company that manufacturers Nugenix is giving away samples of the products to qualifying customers who request them online.

Click here to learn more and find out how to get your sample.

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Looking To Find True Love? How To Find A Relationship Perfect For You

Looking To Find True Love?

Here’s Real Dating Advice For Finding Love, and How To Find A Relationship Perfect For You...

Do you find yourself in the same unfulfilling relationships over and over? Sheila Paxton, one of the national leading certified relationship coaches and the founder of Fit4Love.com - a site that helps people break bad dating habits and quickly identify a perfect match - proves the problem is most likely a “broken picker.”

“Typically, people visit Fit4Love because they’re looking for dating advice to protect them from dating people who turn out to be completely wrong for them,” said Paxton, who created the Fit4Love community to help people find true love. “Our goal is to help people break stubborn destructive patterns, discover their own likes, dislikes and core values and then quickly identify whether a potential date has similar qualities.”

One of the skills Fit4love.com teaches is to listen closely on first dates, Paxton said. “All too often, singles engage in fanciful daydreaming about a potential future together - what their children might look like - instead of focusing on the here and now and what’s actually being said.”

To do so, people must learn to ask specific qualifying questions on first dates, she believes. “Let’s face it, people are on their best behavior on a first date, so being able to really listen and easily identify any red flags is a must," Paxton pointed out. "If too many of those flags are popping up - it’s time to sprint in the other direction as fast as you can!”

Pamela, a 31-year-old corporate lawyer, learned the skill of active listening after a series of devastating breakups. “I couldn’t understand why I kept making the same horrible choices in men, I kept thinking thoughts like why cant I find love," she noted. "After finding Fit4Love, I learned how to stop making those same mistakes over and over again. Now, when I do meet the right person, it won’t be guesswork any longer - I’ll know it!” (READ - How to Stack the Deck in Your Favour When Dating Online)

For Pamela, the first order of business was clearly defining her own core values, she explained. “I just wrote them all down on paper, and that really helped me to know my own heart. For example, honesty, spirituality and family are paramount to me. So, if I hear my date casually say, ‘You know, I haven’t spoken to my mom in 10 years’ … the date is over as far as I’m concerned. I’ve also learned not to rush relationships, and to truly get to know somebody before becoming involved.”

A staggeringly high percent of Paxton’s clients are dissatisfied with their online dating experiences and just want to know how to find a relationship. She says “nearly 100% of the people we work with are fed up with online dating.” Paxton continues: "The fact is that your past dating nightmares, whether they started online or offline, are probably not your fault. Most online dating websites make their money on the monthly fees they charge. If their customers found a perfect match in the first month, that dating site would lose any future fees. Our mission is to help people understand their own ‘picker,’ so they can stop making the same mistakes, and finally meet the love of their life.”

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The Future Of Love Is Not As Clear As It Might Seem

On the whole, romantic relationships in the developed world have been influenced by the digital revolution. Online dating has expanded the idea of the personal classified ad far beyond the local newspaper, while apps like Snapchat have turned sex into something that can be done remotely, and instantly, with partners you might never meet in real life. What else can we expect? 

Fast Company recently spoke to Terry Young, CEO of Sparks & Honey, about his predictions for the future of relationships. This is typical territory for Sparks & Honey, a company that specializes, among other things, in advertising concepts including "wave branding" and "culturally infused social media." It has previously released speculative reports on careers of the future and the rise of the "citizen doctor." 

Young points to some of the tech we already know — Grindr, teledildonics — as indicators of an even more remote love landscape to come. He posits a Gattaca-like future in which we are matched with partners based on genetic compatibility and receive post-breakup reports that provide "an analysis of what went right and what you need to optimize next time." (Read: 10 Things To Get The Best Out Of Online Dating FAST!)

What the article and Young don't address, however, are the potential effects of these developments. Young says things like "instant gratification social media platforms have turned courtship into a sped-up process" and believes "that sentient artificially intelligent entities could start to compete for our affections." Is this a future we should be celebrating or fighting?

Young states that "large numbers of men are no longer physically attracted to human women." (Assuming that he's referring to heterosexual men who do not identify as asexual, this claim is questionable without data to back it up.) "With better 3-D-printing, sex toys will become printable," writes Fast Company. In reality, this has already happened. (Read: How to Stack the Deck in Your Favour When Dating Online)

So, what's the takeaway here? The future is never certain. Disneyland's Monsanto House of the Future, for example, amazingly predicted the penetration of microwave ovens in American homes, but its chief forecast — of mass-produced, modular, plastic homes — never came to fruition. 

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The Case for Dating Short Guys

The Case for Dating Short Guys

Everyone likes a tall man; there’s tons of research to prove it. Of a 2009 study, the journal Evolutionary Psychology says, “Male height is associated with high mate value. In particular, tall men are perceived as more attractive, dominant and of a higher status than shorter rivals, resulting in a greater lifetime reproductive success.”

That same study found that “Tall men reported greater relationship satisfaction and lower levels of cognitive or behavioral jealousy than short men,” and that short men engage in different “mate retention behaviors” than tall men. According to Alan Au, client relations manager at the clothing boutique “Jimmy Au’s For Men 5’8″ and Under” in Beverly Hills, the “mate retention behaviors” of short men are precisely why you should date them. As part of a case for dating short guys, he says, “Considering lifelong companionship, shorter guys may be the better choice. If it holds true that shorter men don’t have as many dating opportunities, if nothing else, I think shorter men would try harder to be funny, caring, empathetic, honest, hardworking — and just be a gentleman. In that case, the rationale might be that they are more loyal.” (Read: How to Stack the Deck in Your Favour When Dating Online)

Short men may be loyal, but women who marry them may not be. According to Evolutionary Psychology, “The female preference for tall partners may present an increased risk of desertion or cuckoldry (paternity by another male) to shorter men.” But, Au notes, the historical and even evolutionary preference for taller men may be misguided. He says, “A healthy 160-pound, 5-foot-5 man is going to be a stronger protector than a healthy 160-pound, 5-foot-11 man. It’s been well documented, pound for pound, shorter men have greater endurance, stronger muscles, faster reaction times, faster body movement and are less likely to break bones.” Plus, he adds, “Shorter men live longer. Shorter men have lower incidences of cardiovascular disease when comparing taller men with the same health conditions.”

Short men may be known for their “Napoleon complex,” but as Chiara Atik wrote in a 2012 post for the HowAboutWe blog The Date Report, “A short guy willing to go out with a girl who’s taller than he is is confident and probably ok with his girlfriend upstaging him. He’s not too hung up on appearance or machismo. This is a good quality to have in a boyfriend.” She also notes, “the general consensus from women seems to be that guys who don’t necessarily feel the most attractive will often work much harder in bed, whereas the Don Drapers of the world, who are used to being wanted and pursued by women, focus more on the act of receiving pleasure than giving it.” (Actor Jon Hamm, who plays Don Draper on “Mad Men,” is 6’2″.) (Read: 7 Keys to Good Loving)

Blogger Jeanna Barrett – who is going on 50 dates to food trucks (my kind of girl) – says in this post that short guys make great dates because they “are a more comfortable hug height and fit like puzzle pieces in your arms.” I understand where she’s coming from. While I’m not sure that dating a guy who is several inches shorter than me would work for me (I’m only 5’4″), I do prefer guys who are around my height or just a little bit taller … and yes, for puzzle-piecing purposes. I joked recently that, “When it comes to relationships, the guy has to be taller. That way he’s always looking at you from the angle you use in your selfies.” But the truth is, when a guy is too much taller than me, I feel like every hug and prolonged conversation hurts my neck.

Women, would you date a man who is shorter than you? Men, do you prefer to be taller than the woman you’re dating?

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