Wednesday, 8 March 2017

How To Find Unconditional Love In A Divorce-Obsessed World

'When you find someone who loves you as you are, and you are able to love them as they are, it is an amazing experience. They may be different from you in many ways. They may view the world differently and have habits that you don’t share, but you can embrace these differences because they are part of this unique person you love'. ........ Susan

How To Find Unconditional Love In A Divorce-Obsessed World

Pixels

It doesn't work for everyone... Will it work for you?

What does unconditional love REALLY mean, in this day and age?

It means loving someone regardless of conditions.

In other words, someone who loves a person no matter what they do, say, think, feel, look like, act like, or believe.

Loving someone even if your needs of connection, certainty and significance aren't being met by them.

Unconditional love means no-strings-attached to the love you give. You may or may not receive love back because that's not part of the deal.

If you had to receive it back, that would be a condition. You love them without expecting anything at all in return.

How do you get unconditional love?

In order to get it you must be willing and able to give it as well. It's a two-way street.

The two-way street is not a condition, it is based more on personal growth and attraction.

Most people want unconditional love so they have certainty that the person they are with won't leave them because of things they do or say — but are rarely willing to give the same in return.

If this is you, your need for unconditional love already has conditions.

Most people don't realise they have to work for it, they just want to receive it.

The reason you have to be willing and able to give it is because then you will attract other people to you who are able to do the same.

The confidence you develop when you recognise you are a whole and complete human being (all by yourself) is the same confidence that is so attractive to other people with confidence—the only other ones who will be able to provide you with no-strings-attached love.

When you have this confidence, you will be able to give love without expecting anything in return.

You won't get your feelings hurt if your guy doesn't do what you think he should do or say what you think he should say.
You won’t need his approval or acceptance of you so that you feel validated as a worthy human being because you already do.
You will feel connected to him even if he doesn’t call on time, doesn't invite you out on the weekend or forgets your birthday.
You may be upset but your love for him won't change because of it.

What's the point of unconditional love?

You may be wondering: "Then what would I need him for?"

That's just it.

You won't need him. You will want him and to be in a relationship with him out of desire.

Needing a relationship and wanting a relationship are two completely different things.

Most people feel they should be in a relationship to be whole or because society is rough on singles many times and alienates them or they feel uncomfortable and alienate themselves.

Some people pride themselves on giving unconditional love and tell people about it.

I'd venture a guess that them telling people about it is to gain acceptance and approval in which case the love they say they are giving is filling a need they have therefore is not unconditional.

Would these same people love the same way if they couldn't tell anyone about it?

What if you can't give unconditional love?

So, let's see if you're ready to give love unconditionally yet. There is no right or wrong answer; just an authentic awareness of where you stand that may take some pressure off of a need to find this elusive emotion or the key to how you can get it.

Let's say you love someone because they have certain qualities you like or status or treat you in a certain way.

Ask yourself if you would feel the same way about them if they didn't have or do those things you like so much; the things that attracted you to them.

Most people who are being honest with themselves will say, "No."

If you said, "Yes," congratulations.

You are much closer to getting unconditional love from someone else than most people are.

But if you said, "No," you’re in good company.

When we decide what we want in our lives and go after it, we have standards, and we hopefully also establish and enforce healthy personal boundaries around those standards.

This way, we don't hook up with someone who turns out to drag us down and wreck the plan we had for our lives?

Can our standards and plan change? Absolutely.

However, many people do fall into the trap of getting together with someone who lets their health go downhill or stops taking care of themselves within a few months.

This is common when someone who wants a relationship gets in shape simply to catch a mate and afterward, no longer feels the need to be diligent about staying healthy.

This, is self-centred and deceitful yet many people do it. It's a good example of someone falling for someone who isn't who they portrayed themselves to be.

I'm sure you've either been in that situation or know someone who has, right?

Here's an example of unconditional love:

One of your core values is honouring your body and keeping in shape.

You are in a relationship with someone who becomes very overweight, smokes cigarettes and has no intention of changing their habits.

Physical health just isn’t one of their priorities like it is yours. You love them just the way they are—physically healthy or not.

Can you hope they see the light and want to get healthy at some point? Sure, but your love isn't dependent upon if they do or not.

Now that you know what getting unconditional love entails on your part, do you still want it? If so, you are going to be so excited with the confidence you'll develop in setting yourself up for this kind of love that most people will never experience.

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Tuesday, 7 March 2017

'Golden trio' of sex moves to help women orgasm discovered by scientists

Hmm Interesting !

Good news for all you women out there, apparently any woman can climax - and indeed have multiple climaxes - if the circumstances of her life are right .......... Susan

'Golden trio' of sex moves to help women orgasm discovered by scientists

“Explicit and direct communication with one’s partner is key”

Studies have shown that heterosexual women have fewer orgasms during sex than any other demographic, which substantiates the myth of the elusive female orgasm.

That said, it’s also been proven that lesbian women reach orgasm significantly more - in one study, 86 per cent of lesbian women reported they always or usually orgasm when sexually intimate compared to just 65 per cent of straight women.

But that proves that the female orgasm is not in fact as elusive as many people think, and scientists have now revealed a ‘golden trio’ of sex moves designed to increase the chances of a woman reaching orgasm.

Researchers from Chapman University, Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute studied over 52,000 Americans of different genders and sexual orientations to look into how often people orgasm.

The participants were aged between 18 and 65 and all said they were in a relationship with one person.

So, what need to happen in the bedroom for women to orgasm?

The ‘golden trio’:

Genital stimulation
Deep kissing
Oral sex

“About 30% of men actually think that intercourse is the best way for women to have orgasm, and that is sort of a tragic figure because it couldn’t be more incorrect,” said study co-author Elisabeth Lloyd, who has written a book called The Case of the Female Orgasm.

She adds that: “To say that there needs to be some education I think is an understatement.

The researchers also found that women who do orgasm with their partners are more likely to feel satisfied with the relationship as a whole.

Whilst the ‘golden trio’ could provide some help, the study authors admit that there’s no ‘one size fits all’ approach to orgasming.

“Women really are tremendously variable in how readily they orgasm and what makes one woman orgasm can be quite different than what makes another woman orgasm,” said David Frederick, lead author of the research from Chapman University.

“Explicit and direct communication with one’s partner is key.”

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Sunday, 5 March 2017

Low Self Worth – 5 Steps to See Yourself in Better Light

Nobody should have low self worth but the sad thing is many of us do. How are we expected to get out there and meet new people and possibly life partners when we don't see ourselves as the worthy unique human beings that we are? The crazy thing is that even the most confident, intelligent, beautiful people you know all have had low self esteem doubts at some point in their lives.

So all you people out there with low self worth try this exercise: Next time you walk past somebody make a point of smiling at them. Yes I know 'its hard' I hear you say, after all they might not smile back! and if they don't big deal are you likely to see them again? look at it this way, they might just be having a bad day and are just not feeling sociable.

But trust me when they do smile back you will feel good, and that feel good factor is FREE and you can get it anytime you want. TRY IT !!!!........... Susan

Low Self Worth – 5 Steps to See Yourself in Better Light

It’s hard to see the good in yourself when you have low self worth, but the truth is, you’re so much better than you think, and it’s time you realise it!

In a world where how you feel about yourself is so important, it is disheartening that there are so many ways that your self worth can be reduced down to nothing.

If you look at the magazines while you are in the grocery store, you are bombarded with mixed messages. Some magazines plaster their covers with why you should love yourself and how to build confidence, while the magazine right next to it tells you how to lose 10 pounds quickly or how to pleasure your man. Some magazines even have the audacity to put both of these headlines on the same cover!

While the media may be a large contributor when it comes to low self worth, it isn’t the only culprit – nor are females the only victims. Guys suffer from low self worth too. It’s just that guys are taught that you cannot show any sign of weakness and more often than not, that cockiness some guys exude is just a show.

What can cause low self worth?

There are many factors that can harm your self worth, things that happened in your childhood like bullying, punishments, neglect, and even abuse. These factors can be detrimental to a child’s growth, but the effects can be felt all the way into adulthood. Just think of instances where you didn’t live up to your parents’ expectations as a child, and every now and then, you catch yourself doubting your choices as you go through life.

Like many people, you may have had a very good childhood and didn’t experience the typical troubles that could damage your esteem. But as we grow up, we still can face other factors that can hurt our self esteem and self worth.

These factors could be anything from comparing yourself to others your age, financial and social situation, unemployed *or having a job you do not like*, or coming out of a bad relationship where you were abused, either mentally, emotionally, or physically.

No matter the situation or experience, if it leaves you questioning your worth and your purpose in the world, it is damaging your self-esteem and making you feel inferior to others.

Why is low self-esteem harmful?

Self-esteem is as important to our well-being as legs are to a table. It is essential for physical and mental health and for happiness. -Louise Hart

Dr. Louise Hart, a psychologist who specializes in parenting techniques to help improve the social, emotional, and mental health in children, couldn’t have said it better. You wouldn’t go to Ikea and purchase a table that had crooked legs, so why should you go through life with a sub-par sense of well-being?

Low self-esteem can wreak havoc on your physical health as well as your mental health, as these two go hand in hand. For example, how many times have you started a diet and you do well for a few days, but when you cave in and have that milkshake or a decadent piece of chocolate cake, you feel guilty. Instead of forgiving yourself and understanding that weight loss is a difficult journey, you beat yourself up so much that you just give up because you feel that you cannot do it *this is coming from personal experience*. When you give up eating right, you may also give up exercising and this only makes things worse.

When you have low self-esteem, it makes everything feel so much more difficult. You don’t believe in yourself and you cannot see yourself the same way others see you. How many times have you been out somewhere and had someone approach you with something nice to say, only for you to be skeptical and dismissive?

If you have low self worth and self esteem, it’s hard to see the good in yourself and you do not believe *or understand* the compliments you may receive. Who knows how many opportunities you may have missed out on, all because you don’t see yourself in a positive light! Sadly, if this consistently happens, people may begin to see you in that negative light, too.

5 Steps to change how you see yourself

One of hardest parts of changing the way you see yourself is admitting that you do experience low self-worth and recognising that you are worth the effort that is necessary to change it. More often than not, people with low self worth have grown so complacent that they are afraid to change because they may think it will be too difficult.

While it is true that it the road to having good self worth and knowing your worth is paved with challenges and setbacks, it is not impossible! Here are a few ways to begin the transformation and recognizing that you are someone who deserves happiness.

Step #1 Accept yourself for who you are. As a human, we have flaws and weaknesses. There is no one person that is perfect, and it does no one any good to compare themselves to someone else. When you are trying to improve your self worth, it is important that you recognise this and accept it. You have to come to terms with things that may have hurt you in the past and your flaws, without beating yourself in the process.

Step #2 Say “bye-bye” to the voice in your head. It is easy to call yourself names when you do something stupid. How many times have you called yourself an idiot because you forgot something or you did poorly on an assignment?

While we may not think that this is harmful, it actually is. It makes you feel bad about yourself and it reinforces low self worth. Instead of calling yourself stupid, change your thinking to remind yourself not to make the same mistake twice. They don’t say you are your own worst critic for nothing, after all.

Step #3 Use positivity instead of negativity as motivation. Too often, we’ve been conditioned to respond to negative criticisms to give us the motivation to change. For example, let’s go back to those magazines that tell you how to lose weight. Those articles are usually accompanied by gorgeous people, and while it may not be the intent of these magazines to make you feel bad, it never fails to when we read these articles to compare ourselves to those models. Instead of comparing yourself to those models, tell yourself of the benefits of the exercise regimes and the healthier meal options.

You need to focus on the good things that will come from being healthy, like having more energy, feeling more comfortable in your own skin, etc. These positive comments to yourself will help you feel more confident and boost your self worth because you are recognising that you are worth the effort to change.

Step #4 Appreciate who you are and where you come from. This is a simple exercise that you can do anywhere. Once a day, close your eyes and ask yourself, “What are three things I like about myself?” The way you answer this question is entirely up to you.

It can be as something as simple as the choice of the outfit you are wearing that day, or it can be that you donated some time to a social cause. It can be anything.You could go one step further and write these down every day in a journal, and then periodically go back and read through them.

It will help you realise that you are a good person and that you do good things. The more things you can write down, the better you will feel when you go back and read through the journal.

Step #5 Be kind and generous toward others. Perhaps one of the easiest ways to raise your self worth is by being kind toward others. When you do nice things for others, especially when it is unexpected, their gratitude can make you feel amazing.

For myself, I always hold the door for others or if they have only a few items to purchase, I let them go in front of me at the checkout. While these are very small things, they make me feel good because the person is *usually* grateful, and it’s always nice to be rewarded with a genuine smile. There are so many ways that you can be kind to other people. You will find that it is a rewarding experience and it’ll make you feel incredible about yourself!

When you believe that you can make people happy or that you control your own life and future, your self worth will grow with each new day, and you will start to believe that you’re more deserving of your own love and respect.

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Sunday, 26 February 2017

The 5 Things You Should Really Look for in a Partner

What are the most important qualities for a happy relationship?

Posted Feb 25, 2017

Wyatt Fisher at flickr.com | CC0 license

In our search for a romantic partner, most of us have a long list of attributes that describe our perfect mate. These preferences go from general traits (e.g., smart, kind, funny, adventurous, understanding) to specific skills and interests (e.g., good cook, loves baseball, politically active, likes to travel). But we realize that we can’t find everything in one person — We’ll have to make some compromises. What are the most important things you should look for if you want to have a happy and successful relationship? Decades of research examining relationship satisfaction and longevity points to several qualities that you may be able to spot early on that make someone a better partner.

1. Focus on kindness, loyalty and understanding, not looks, status, and excitement.

When people are asked to list the most important qualities in a potential partner, kindness, physical attractiveness, an exciting personality, and income/earning potential tend to top the list.1 But some of these traits are more important than others once people actually get involved in relationships. Research I described in detail in an earlier post found that those whose partners meet their ideals in terms of warmth and loyalty are more satisfied with their relationships. Whereas meeting ideals in terms of physical attractiveness, excitement, status, and wealth is much less correlated with overall satisfaction. This research also found that having a having a partner who fell short on attractiveness, status, and excitement did not affect satisfaction if that partner was highly warm, kind, and loyal. So those more "superficial traits" were not important at all, for those whose partners were kind, understanding, and loyal.

2. Similarity

You should look for someone who is similar to you. A large body of research shows that we are attracted to people who are similar to us, especially those who share our attitudes and values. And in fact, similar couples are happier. Research has shown that couples who share tastes, interests and expectations tend to encounter fewer conflicts.3,4 When you like the same kinds of food, movies, or hobbies and have the same attitudes toward work-leisure balance, child-rearing, and handling social obligations there is just a lot less to fight about. There is also evidence that spouses that start out more similar in terms of educational attainment, age, and desired number of children are less likely to get divorced.5

In addition, seeking a mate who is similar to you may sometimes have you searching for traits that are more idiosyncratic — improving your chances of landing someone who has those qualities. Almost everyone wants a mate who is kind and good-looking, so kind and good-looking people are going to be in high demand on the dating market. But if you really want someone who shares your passion for ballroom dancing and your obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the competition is likely to be less intense.

3. Conscientiousness

You should find someone who is reliable. Conscientiousness is about being practical, reliable, rule-following, and organized. This may not sound like the sexiest package of traits, but it’s a good package in a long-term mate. People who are conscientious tend to bring that trait into their relationships and are more dependable and trustworthy.6 People who are less conscientious are more difficult to deal with in a relationship – They cancel plans, they don’t fulfill their obligations around the house, they act carelessly, and they fall through on their promises. So that unpopular kid in high school who always got his or her homework done early and followed all the rules could make a trustworthy, and dependable spouse in the future.

4. Emotional stability.

The one personality trait that affects our relationships the most is emotional stability — In the psychological literature, it’s often referred to by its opposite: Neuroticism.7 Those who lack emotional stability tend to be moody, touchy, anxious, and quicker to anger. All of this makes them more difficult to live with. Those high in neuroticism are much more likely to have negative and argumentative interactions with other people, including their romantic partners.8,9 They also tend to be more jealous and less forgiving.10,11 Not surprisingly then, those high in neuroticism are more likely to end up divorced.12 So in the early stages of dating, watch out for someone who seems excessively touchy and anxious, as it could be a sign that a relationship with them will be rocky.

5. The belief that relationships take work.

When you’re just starting a relationship with someone, it’s hard to anticipate how things will change after months or years together and how this person will deal with the inevitable bumps along the road. But you can get a sense of how hard they will work to maintain a happy a relationship and resolve conflicts. How? You need to understand their general philosophy about relationships.

Researchers have identified two sets of beliefs about relationships: Growth beliefs and destiny beliefs.13 Those with destiny beliefs think that relationships are either meant to be or not. They believe that once two soulmates unite, everything will be great. If a relationship is meant to be, then everything will just work out. If there are problems, that’s just a sign that you’re with the wrong person. In contrast, those with growth beliefs think that relationships take hard work and that a strong relationship is something that you develop over time. They believe that all relationships will encounter problems and that having a stronger relationship means working hard to cope with difficulties that arise.

These different attitudes toward relationships have major implications for how people cope with relationship difficulties. When people with destiny beliefs hit a bump, they assume it’s a sign that the relationship is doomed. So they tend to avoid conflicts and become angry if they must acknowledge their partner’s faults (because that would mean the relationship is not meant to be). And when the going gets tough, they give up, rather than working to repair damage to the relationship. In contrast, those with growth beliefs are more open to discussing problems, and respond positively to challenges in the relationship by working to resolve them.

So on an early date, ask your date about their attitudes toward relationships – If they have a fatalistic attitude, that could be a bad sign.

These are just a few qualities that you can look out for early in a relationship. Of course this is not an exhaustive list, as there are other qualities also associated with relationship success. And many important factors won’t show up until later in your relationship (the way they deal with conflicts, how they get along with your family). Is your relationship doomed if your partner doesn’t have all of these qualities? — Certainly not (that sort of thinking is a destiny belief!). But all of these factors have been shown to be associated with having happier relationships. And they are things that you can figure out pretty quickly as you get to know a new partner. So keep these 5 qualities in mind the next time you're starting a new relationship.

Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D. is an associate professor of psychology at Albright College, who studies relationships and cyberpsychology. Follow her on Twitter for updates about social psychology, relationships, and online behavior. Read more more articles by Dr. Seidman on Close Encounters.

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Wednesday, 18 January 2017

10 Signs The Honeymoon Stage of Your Relationship is Over

There is a sense of loss when you look back on how intense a relationship is at the beginning, when the need to be in each others company is president and seeing the eyes of your partner light up each time you see each other. One cannot put words to the feelings one gets from being made to feel "special". ........... Susan

10 Signs The Honeymoon Stage of Your Relationship is Over

Worrying that your relationship is suffering from the demise of the honeymoon stage? Don’t worry, your relationship may just get better with age!

There is no hard and fast rule about how long the honeymoon period lasts. It could be a couple of months, it could be a couple of years. However, there is no dispute as to what exactly it is. It is that sickly sweet period of time at the beginning of a relationship where you can’t keep two people off each other.

They are so utterly and disgustingly in love that they can’t spend any time apart and can’t see the merest fault in the other. You could tell them that their other half is a serial killer, and they’d still find it endearing!

The end of times

It can come as a bit of a shock to the couple in question then, when they have been so firmly ensconced in this manner, to witness that loving feeling begin to fade. And when it begins to fade, it does so at an exponential rate. But it certainly isn’t all doom and gloom. Yes, the “being in love” part of the relationship may be dwindling, but that’s when the actual “loving” part of the relationship starts to come to the fore in its place.

Why you shouldn’t be scared when the honeymoon stage ends

The following list describes some of those signs that the honeymoon period is indeed coming to an end, but more importantly, also explains what these signs mean in the broader context of your relationship as whole – and how they can actually be a good thing.

#1 Having a gas. Okay, the example of farting in front of each other might be at the cruder end of the personal habit spectrum, but it nonetheless makes a good point. The fact is that there comes a point in a relationship when you stop holding it in.

Whereas previously, you would have suffered stomach cramps with heroic endurance in a desperate bid to keep your good standing, trying to impress eventually has less importance. And that’s a good thing. It shows that not only do you feel comfortable with each other, but that you are at last comfortable with yourselves. Enjoy the freedom!

#2 All hung up. Do you remember when you were constantly on the phone to each other, and in those brief moments that you weren’t, the popping tones of newly arrived text messages were constant? Well, that may have slowed down to a point where you’re both communicating with each other at a far slower rate – at normal punctuations in the daytime routine.

This isn’t something that particularly needs to be mourned, however. All it means is that the desperate need to remind the other of your presence is no longer quite so insistent. And let’s face it, you’re probably being far more productive now that you’re not on the phone 24 hours a day.

#3 Playing it down. It is likely the case, when the honeymoon period starts to fade off into normality, that you don’t quite take the same level of care of yourself and your appearance. Not that it’s acceptable to start showering with a can and wearing the same pair of underwear for a week at a time. That’s foul in any circumstances.

Maybe the three-hour-long meticulous grooming campaign you used to ensure upon has suffered somewhat. And that’s not a bad thing, as long as you make at least some effort in the presence of your significant other. It’s time to start being comfortable with yourself and your partner and enjoying the real boons of true love.

#4 Honesty is the best policy. I doubt there’s anyone who hasn’t been in the situation where they’ve tried a little bit too hard to impress a potential partner during the early stages of the relationship – pretending you love Vietnamese food, for example, because it’s one of their favourites when you actually abhor it. That’s all fine and well for a few months or so, but do you really want to maintain that pretence for the rest of your born days? Of course not.

Loving someone rather than being in love with them means you finally get to explain your likes, wants, and needs without any trepidation or hesitation. Yes, that might mean the honeymoon stage’s over – but I’d say that was a pretty fair trade. Wouldn’t you?

#5 Happy is as happy does. Of course, you don’t want to give off any negative vibes when you’re in the honeymoon period. You suck up any misadventures in your current life story, get on with things, and put on a brave face. But this is where true love, fostered over a period of time, kicks the whole honeymoon period thing into touch. Sharing is a very important part of love, and the whole act of being able to admit to unhappiness, and helping/being helped through it is what love is all about.

#6 Save the tales. That whole thing that you do during the honeymoon period where you’re constantly trying to impress the apple of your eye with tales of how wonderful you are, well, that can stop now. If they love you, they’ll love you for who you are, and this is one ending to the honeymoon period that pretty much everyone is probably happy about.

#7 PDA oblivion. A dead giveaway as to the demise of the honeymoon stage in your relationship is the sudden absence of public displays of affection. This can be a point of contention if one of the couple has a particular penchant or need for PDAs, and it’s something that easily be righted.

But if it’s entirely mutual, then there’s nothing to worry about. Just accept that things have moved on, and as you’ve become more comfortable with each other, that need to advertise your togetherness is less pressing. Not a bad thing at all.

#8 Those three little words. You know which three I mean – if not, then you’re reading the wrong article! Okay, post-honeymoon period, these words might get said less, but this isn’t necessarily anything to worry about. It could just mean that you are both secure in what you have together. If this is the case, then congratulations are far more in order than the opposite.

#9 Taking it easy. Quite simply, all those months of being constantly on edge and being over-aware of how you should be presenting yourself are a thing of the past. You might worry that the absence of a constant need to make the best impression signals the end of a glorious period, but isn’t it better to relax in a comfort zone with someone who knows and loves you than pretend to be something you’re not?

#10 Singular pleasures. The key to a happy and fulfilling relationship is to not only nurture it, but also to nurture yourself. With the honeymoon period out of the way, along with that desperate need to exist only for your significant other, you can start tending to yourself again in order to ensure that you can contribute to the relationship as a healthy and strong individual.

The end of the honeymoon stage, as you can see from the list above, only signals the beginning of a new phase in the relationship – not its end. Enjoy the progression and give yourself a pat on the back for successfully getting through to the next stages of the relationship game.

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