'How Do I Have An Orgasm During Intercourse?' And Nine Other Common Questions About Sex Answered

'How Do I Have An Orgasm During Intercourse?' And Nine Other Common Questions About Sex Answered

by Rachel Moss

Even if you've got an amazing sex life, you're probably interested to know what everyone else is up to in the bedroom and how you can make your own experience even better.

Despite this, most of us can be a little coy when discussing sex with other people.

That's where sex educators like Emily Nagoski come in.

In her new book Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Nagoski says most questions she receives around sex stem from three main concerns: Am I normal, am I okay, and will I be okay?

Thankfully the resounding answer she gives to all three is YES.

Of course, she says, people hardly ever just ask these questions outright.

Here, Nagoski tells HuffPost UK Lifestyle the answers to the 10 most common questions people ask about sex:

The Questions About Sexual Response:

1. How do I have an orgasm during intercourse? 

Less than a third of women are reliably orgasming from penetration alone. The remaining 70% are sometimes, rarely, or never orgasmic from intercourse alone.

The reason for this is pretty simple: intercourse is not an effective way to stimulate the clitoris, and clitoral stimulation is the most common way that women orgasm.

That means the simplest way to orgasm during intercourse is to add clitoral stimulation.

Your hand, your partner’s hand, a vibrator, rubbing your pubic bones together, whatever.

2. How often am I supposed to want sex? 

As often as the context of your life supports – so your desire will change as your context changes.

And that’s a good thing. Think how inconvenient that would be, if you wanted to same amount of sex when you’re single as when you’re partnered, when you’re staying with your maiden aunt as when you’re cozily at home?

Desire is – and needs to be – dependent on context. It’s not always convenient, showing up at times that you don’t want it, and it’s not always obedient, failing to show up at times you do want it.

But a great place to start is to take an inventory of which contexts create desire in you and which squelch it. It will naturally fluctuate over the course of your day, your week, your life.

There is no “supposed” to, there just… is what it is.

3. Is my penis doing it right? Subquestions: does size matter? (Nah.) Why can’t I get an erection and/or how do I delay ejaculation? 

The sexual response mechanism in the brain consists of two parts: the Sexual Excitation System (SES), which responds to sexual stimuli and sends the “turn on” signal, and the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS), which responds to potential threats and sends the “turn off” signal – you can think of them as the sexual accelerator and the sexual brakes.

This means that the process of becoming aroused is both the process of turning on the ons and the process of turning off the offs.

Erection and ejaculation difficulties are caused by an imbalance of these two processes.

Erection difficulties are about too much brake, usually, so figure out what’s hitting the brake (it’s often performance anxiety – ironically the more you want and try to have an erection, the less likely it is).

Premature ejaculation is effectively treated by the stop-start method – get aroused, back off, get aroused, back off, over and over, to get to know the landscape of your arousal, so that you can recognise when you’re close to orgasm and take pressure off the accelerator and/or tap the brakes, to stop from going past the “point of no return.”

4. I liked it when my partner touched me a certain way yesterday, but I didn’t like it today. What the hell?

Pleasure, like desire, depends on context.

Like tickling - if you’re feeling flirty and sexy and your partner tickles you, that would, at least in theory, feel fun and sexy.

But if you’re feeling annoyed and pissy with your partner and they try to tickle you, how does that feel? 

Stabby, right? Like you want to punch them in the face.

Pleasure depends at least as much on the context in which you receive a sensation, as it does on the nature of the sensation itself. So if something felt good (or not) yesterday, that doesn’t mean it will feel good (or not) today. That’s normal.

The Questions About Sexual Interests:

5. Why does pain sometimes feel sexy and good?

See question 4.

6. Why did 50 Shades of Grey sell so well? 

Because of the arbitrariness of market dynamics and its ability to deliver the most basic fantasy anyone has: feeling wanted and cared for.I mean, who wouldn’t want an attractive billionaire to sweep them off their feet, buy them cool stuff, protect them from danger, and want them so much they can’t think straight?

All the other stuff was just window dressing for feeling wanted and cared for.Some people liked that window dressing, others did not. People vary. 

But we all like to feel wanted and cared for.

7. Why do I fantasise about things I don’t want to do in real life?

 Because the context of fantasising about something – lying safety in your bed, alone, with the door closed and your hand down your pants as you imagine being cornered, held down, and licked by five unknown but beautiful men, say – is an entirely different context from being actually cornered, held down, and licked by five unknown men, no matter how beautiful they may be.

And The Questions That Science Can Never Fully Answer..

.8. Why does the world insist that my body has to a particular size or shape before I’m allowed to experience sexual pleasure, before I’m allowed to be loved, before I’m allowed to be included fully as part of the human race?

9. Why did my family turn away from me, why do strangers shame me and beat me, just because I fall in love with a different kind of person than they expected me to love?

10. Why did my partner use sex against me as a weapon?

Why didn’t he stop when I said no? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

There’s science about these questions, theories, evidence… but in my heart, I don’t know why we, as a species, are so quick to shame and humiliate and hate others because of their bodies and what they do with them.

I don't know why we are still using sex as a weapon against each other or why we do not reach first for compassion when we encounter differences.But, under even these impossible-to-answer questions lies the same deeper questions as all the others:

Am I normal? Am I okay? Will I be okay?

And the answer is: 

Yes.You are normal - it’s normal to struggle when you’ve been confronted by shame, rejection, and violence.

You are okay - if you’re well enough to ask the question, you’re well enough to listen for the quiet voice inside you that’s telling you that the core of you is intact, whole, and healthy.

You will be okay - every day I meet people who are healing, who have healed, from the kind of violence, shame, and trauma that the world inflicts on us.

Every day I am inspired by the resilience, the strength, the raw capacity for survivorship that lives in human bodies, side by side with our capacity for love, for pleasure, for joy, and side by side with our capacity to judge and humiliate.

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12 Tips on Starting a New Relationship

12 Tips on Starting a New Relationship

Make sure you are ready

When you're broken hearted, it's natural to want someone else's arms around you. But you are unlikely to form a good relationship while you're still hankering after your previous partner. So give yourself six months to be single. Try to enjoy it. Catch up with old friends. Decorate your home. Throw yourself into your job. Once you feel happier in your own skin, you'll be more ready for romance.

Play the numbers game

If you're not having much luck in the dating game, try building up your number of friends of both genders. Most of us find romance at work or through our network of acquaintances. If this isn't happening for you, you may need to extend your friendship circle.

Best way to do this is to spend more time on leisure activities that you enjoy, so you speak to other individuals who like the same things. The more friends you have, the more chances you have of meeting that special someone.

Blind dates

Nowadays, we are pretty choosy when it comes to finding love. Few of us meet someone in our home town and stay with them through life. Also, most people have careers and are busy. This can mean finding a special person just doesn't seem to happen.

Loads of people now use lonely hearts ads and online dating sites to find love. Just make sure when do meet face-to-face, you do so in a public place, you let at least one friend know where you're going and you have your mobile with you.

As for speed-dating, this can be fun - especially if you take a mate along. And you never know, that perfect person could be there too.

Introduction agencies

Introduction agencies are a more heavy-duty way of finding a partner. But when individuals aren't having much luck and are keen to settle down, a good introduction agency can narrow the search for you.

Fees can vary enormously and if you're aiming for the elite end of the market, you might be asked to part with anything up to £10,000. If you do go down this route, make sure the agency is a member of the Association of British Introduction Agencies.

How to approach someone you like

If you want to get to know someone better, a good ploy is to involve him or her in some group social event. Indoor bowling is a fun evening for most people. Or you might organise a trip to the theatre and then on to a pub afterwards, so everyone can discuss what they've seen.

With luck you should be near the person you like and be able to talk together without the pressure of it being a 'date'. If things go well, you might progress to suggesting a cup of coffee sometime. And if that is successful, you'll probably feel ready to suggest a cosy dinner for two.

How to tell if someone likes you

People's body language can tell you a great deal about someone's response to you. When someone is interested in you it's likely there'll be lots of eye contact. They will also stand close to you when they speak. And they will possibly squeeze your arm or touch your hand when you're chatting.

As well as smiling, other good signs are if someone breathes with you, and if he or she mirrors your gestures or your posture. And if someone nods when listening to you, this means they are empathetic and pleased to be engaged in conversation with you.

First dates

First dates can be frightening and fraught, so don't expect too much. All you really need to establish is that you are comfortable with the other person and you don't feel physically repelled by them.

Try to do something that does not expect too much of either of you. A movie is a good choice and then dinner afterwards. That way you can at least chat about the film.

Or you might prefer just to meet for a quick drink. Better to underestimate how much time you'll want to spend together than be lumbered with each other for a whole evening.

Contact after the first date

If you've had a good time, there's no harm in texting or phoning to say how much you enjoyed it.

But don't insist on another date if the other person seems less than keen. A gentle 'Would you like to meet up again some time?' should be enough to establish if there's any spark.

If you don't want to meet again, it's good manners to gently let the other person know the truth. Try: 'I thought you very nice, but I don't think we could have the kind of relationship I'm looking for. Good luck for the future.'

How to judge if you want to see them again

Unless you thought the person was truly awful, it's a good idea to agree to a second date - even if you're not sure you're keen on them. This is because first dates are seriously nerve-wracking, which means that people are rarely at their best.

So if your date didn't speak much - or talked far too much - you might need another meeting to find out if their first date behaviour was typical or just down to nervousness.

If you don't like what you find on a second date, it's time to cut your losses and move on.

When to take things further

Plenty of people have sex on the first date - and this is fine so long as they are both happy with that and use contraception so neither person picks up an STD or gets pregnant.

But plenty of people do not want to rush things. And no one should be coerced into sex if they're not ready. Always remember that sex should be worth waiting for. If someone isn't prepared to wait, this person is unlikely to be right for you.

Mistakes and misunderstandings

We all have off days in any romance, so try not to be too quick to jump to the conclusion that it's over just because he or she is late for a date, or hasn't phoned when you'd arranged. A new relationship is bound to have its fair share of mistakes and misunderstandings while you get used to each other.

But if the bad days or lack of consideration persist, you may need to ask yourself if this relationship is doing you good. If it's not, you'll probably feel better about yourself if you're the one who ends it rather than wait to be rejected.

If things go well

Your good friends should be with you for life. Unfortunately, your relationship may not last that long. So even if you are thrillingly and passionately in love, don't forget to make time for mates.

It's never a good idea to lose sight of who you really are as an individual person. So take time off from being a couple and see your pals. They will remind you that you're you - and not just part of a magical couple.

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SAY YES TO SEDUCTION

SAY YES TO SEDUCTION

It's time to embrace your sexy side. If you've been holding back in bed, we're willing to bet your guy wishes you weren't. In fact, we have a pretty good idea of what he'd like you to be doing. While it's not all about him, there are a few things you can do that will make him crazy (in a good way) and at the same time make things much more enjoyable for you. Read on to find out how to enhance your time between the sheets.

TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT

If the movies are any indication, as soon as we slide into bed with someone, both parties know exactly what to do for an instant-orgasm and a great time in bed. While this scenario isn't unheard of, it's also not the norm. Just like you want to please him, he's hoping that you like whatever it is he's doing, and if you're not, he wants to know what he should be doing instead. Guys like it when you're as involved in the proceedings as they are and are willing to speak up if need be.

It's all in how you tell a guy what you want. Rather than saying "I don't like that," be more of a director instead, leading him towards the experience that will get you the most pleasure. Guys like when you know what you want and have the confidence to express it.

EXPRESS YOUR PLEASURE

Quiet in bed? Try turning up the volume and see how much your man likes what he hears. We're not suggesting you fake it or put on some sort of cheesy act for him, but if you're enjoying yourself, we say tell him. He'll love that you're open and relaxed enough to voice your satisfaction, and chances are, it will turn him on even more. Being vocal in bed isn't a necessity, but you can bet that when you do choose to speak up during sex, he won't be complaining about it.

DITCH YOUR INHIBITIONS

We asked a few of our paired up guy pals about what they most wish their girlfriends would do in bed. While some were wholly satisfied with their sex lives (wouldn't change anything), the ones that thought there was room for improvement really wanted their partners to lose their inhibitions and body hang-ups and let loose in bed without fear of looking or sounding unattractive. Let's face it – sex is messy and sloppy and unpredictable, so if you can allow yourself to revel in the passion without worrying about what he thinks, you and your guy will be much happier.

"I love when my girlfriend can be totally relaxed in bed," said one 34-year-old high school teacher we spoke to. "I hate when she seems distracted in bed or just not completely comfortable. It takes away from the experience."

TRY NEW THINGS

Not every position, toy or fantasy is for everyone. We all have our own likes and dislikes when it comes to sex, but we're willing to bet your guy wouldn't mind if you wanted to shake things up in the sack by trying something new. Even if your sex life is fantastic, it can still be fun to experiment with different things – whether it's role-play, different seduction techniques or simply having sex at a different time of day than usual. You never know what might make what you have even better. Most guys we polled liked it when their partner was open minded about sex and willing to go outside the usual routine.

Trying new things is a great way to avoid falling into a sexual rut. Ruts are easy to fall into but much harder to get out of.

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