Starting Again: Lovers to Avoid
We're at our most vulnerable when we venture back into the dating game after a relationship break-up.
But if this is the stage you're at, take heart. You have loved before. You can love again.
First though, do ask yourself if you really are ready for another relationship.
If you still hope that your ex will come back to you, or if you still weep about the loss of that relationship on a regular basis, or if you are still furious with your past partner, then maybe you should wait a while.
My article 'How to get over being dumped' may help you. You may also find it useful to do the interactive test on self-esteem and to read the 'Self-esteem' article.
In addition, you may need more support from friends and family to help you recover after your past relationship.
It would be a good idea to have a few months discovering that single life can be fun, and you could also try to do all sorts of enjoyable things for yourself that may have been neglected during your relationship.
And if you really can't get over your sense of regret, distress or anger, you might even want to consider having some therapy.
But let's assume that you are feeling better about the past, and about yourself, and that you are genuinely ready to meet someone new. Well, it would be great if you suddenly met the perfect person who embodied everything you want – good looks, companionship, humour, love, romance and terrific sex all in one delicious package. But life is not always that kind.
And you may instead encounter people who have certain problems – and some of these individuals might be best avoided right now.
1. The selfish lover
If you have got out of a previous relationship because the sex wasn't up to much, you probably don't want to entertain the thought of a selfish lover now you are starting again.
For instance, men tell us all the time about wives or partners who demanded lots of love play, but once they'd had their orgasm used to get impatient and say: 'Hurry up and finish now.' This is very wounding for a guy.
Men have also told us how their partners have sometimes said: 'Well, if you must have sex, just do it and get it over with' while they have laid on their backs and made no attempt to be loving in any intimate way.
Obviously this is horrid for a man. So, it you're male, and starting again, you probably want to avoid any woman who is selfish and unloving or unenthusiastic in bed.
Men too can be incredibly selfish. About 20 years ago, we coined a phrase, 'the roll-on, roll-off Romeo', for males who just wanted to satisfy themselves through intercourse, but could not be bothered to indulge in the sort of love play and caresses that might satisfy a woman.
We believe that such males are a dying breed now. But if you happen to meet up with one, we suggest that you can do much better.
2. The never-on-a-Sunday lover
This is someone you might meet who is eager, and sexy and seems very keen on you but who never stays a whole night with you and who is never available on Sundays, Bank Holidays or at Christmas. The reason of course is that he or she is married.
Now, it could be that this doesn't matter to you because you are not looking for a permanent, one-to-one commitment.
After all, you may have decided that it's time for a little fun and that you're not ready for anything serious. But do remember that though you may think you just want uncomplicated sex, you might find that you fall in love with this person. And that could be painful, because he or she is not free to be with you – and might never be.
If you're suspicious, always ask him or her about their marital status. Once you know the truth, you may decide that you don't mind that this person is with someone else. But you might mind very much.
So, before you get too attached, ask yourself, truthfully, what you want from a partner. If it's a serious, committed relationship, or you're on the lookout for someone to make babies with, then avoid the never-on-a-Sunday lover.
3. The lover with a sexually transmitted infection
|The most common male sex problems|
are premature ejaculation, erectile
dysfunction and delayed ejaculation.
Unfortunately, there are loads of adults out there who have STIs, such as chlamydia, but who simply don't know they have them.
But if individuals have something serious like herpes then they do usually know about it, and hopefully they will discuss this with you at the earliest opportunity.
Then it will be up to you to decide whether you are happy to be in a relationship with such a person, or not – bearing in mind that you will need to take safe sex precautions most, if not all, of the time.
4. The lover with a sex problem
It's no one's fault if they have a sex problem, but you might want to be aware of the sorts of difficulties you could possibly encounter, and whether or not such a relationship could still work for you.
Female sex problems
Your new female partner may have difficulties that are easily remedied, such as vaginal dryness. Or she may be shy and need some encouragement. Or perhaps she has always been unable to orgasm and this may be something you want to discuss.
More seriously, some women actually have a fear of penetration. Such females may sometimes like foreplay, and may indeed have orgasms during it, but they then feel uncomftable when any approach is made to the vagina.
This condition, which is called vaginismus, can be treated. But it has to be said that improving the situation may take quite a while, and also that in some cases the outcome is not very positive.
Other women, who may be very keen on sex, actually have pain on intercourse or painful orgasms.
Often, as you will see from the articles we have linked to, something can be done and a good sexual relationship can develop.
Male sex problems
The most common male sex problems are premature ejaculation (PE), erectile dysfunction (ED) and delayed ejaculation (DE).
If you read the relevant articles, you may decide that if a man has any of these difficulties, you can overlook them – so long as the rest of the relationship is going well.
But do be aware that if you are hoping to get pregnant, all three of these conditions can make that difficult.
PE can also be very frustrating for a woman because it can be extremely difficult for her to get any satisfaction out of intercourse.
However, there is nothing to stop a man with this condition from giving his partner orgasms through foreplay. The article above will tell you all about treatment. And if you want the relationship to last and to be a satisfying one, it would be a good idea if you and your man explored the treatment options.
Whatever your age, erectile dysfunction in your partner can be distressing for him – and for you. But nowadays, with really good drugs available, such as Viagra and Cialis, the vast majority of men can produce good erections and enjoy sex well into old age.
Delayed ejaculation is, unfortunately, not nearly so easy to deal with or treat. Basically, men with this problem find it hugely difficult, or impossible, to ejaculate into their female partners.
Initially, if you meet a man who cannot 'come' inside you, you may not be all that bothered.
In fact, you might enjoy sex with him because the chances are that he can go on and on thrusting inside you – and you might enjoy that. But men with DE are often rather buttoned-up about sex, and you might find that this becomes irritating and wearisome after a while. And also you may begin to resent the fact that he will never 'let go' in bed.
However, unless you want to become pregnant – which would be very difficult – you may decide that there are worse things than being involved with a man with DE, especially if he is a kind and loving guy.
Now that you are starting to date again and looking out for love and good sex, there are some problems that you may encounter. But few of them are insurmountable, and with the amount of information and advice available, you may well decide that you can cope with such difficulties.
However, having read this, you might make the decision that there are some types of lover who would be better avoided – particularly now, when you are hoping for a rather more special experience than you may have had with your ex.
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