Quickies, Tantra & Kink: The Different Kinds of Sex Every Couple Needs

Quickies, Tantra & Kink: The Different Kinds of Sex Every Couple Needs

Couples often wonder what kids of sex everyone else is having, and is the sex they are having "enough"? Not only in terms of frequency, but also in terms of the kinds of sex to be having. After all, couples don't want to miss out, if there's great sex out there to be had! 

In terms of positions, there are many in the world - thousands of books beginning with the tao of sex and the Kama Sutra have been written and no doubt blogs and books about sexual positions will continue to be written. People love to explore their bodies and pathways to pleasure with one another. But sex isn't only about the position and the frequency. Generally speaking there are categories of sex, all of which keep your sex life spicy, varied and stimulating. Just as you wouldn't eat the same meal for dinner every night, or even eat only the same dessert, or listen to one song on a loop for years on end, sex needs some variety to keep it interesting - and that means changing it up more than how often you do it or who is on top.

Here sexologist Dr Gabrielle Morrissey lists the the types of sex you should have for a healthy, balanced and spicy sex life.

Quickie sex

Fast is not a bad word. It's just bad if it's the only word to describe your sex life. Sometimes, practically speaking, and for fun too, a quickie is just the thing to put some zip - or unzip - into your day! 

 

Gourmet Sex

This is when you take longer and indulge in each other. Perhaps you play out a fantasy. Perhaps you start with a bath together and make an evening of it. Or maybe erotic massage is your thing. When you have longer than 30 minutes to spare, think about having long, drawn out sex that indulges your senses and stimulates you both from head to toe and everything in between.

No-sex sex

Sex without intercourse can often remind a couple what it was like at the beginning of their dating relationship, if they ever had a time when they weren't sexually intimate. But sex without intercourse also allows a couple to feel intimate without the pressure of penetration and intercourse, particularly if that has become a pattern. By having some sexual time together that doesn't involve intercourse, you become the ultimate creative couple in bed.

Morning sex

Testosterone levels tend to be highest in the morning and men, and women too, can feel a strong desire for sex in the morning. But often it isn't practical - the household is awake, the day feels like it must race on, work deadlines await, morning breath is, well, not the sexiest ... but all that aside, sometimes, it's the best way to start a day and feel loved and connected, rejuvenated and with an extra spark to you. Be open to it!

Kinky sex

Each couple needs to define kinky for themselves and kinky can mean different things at different ages and stages of a person's and couple's life. Experimentation helps couple to build on their intimacy and grow together ... and have fun together! Sex is your intimate recreation time together so try new things and laugh, or try new things and say, "Let's do that again!"

No orgasm sex

Have sex without the pressure of having an orgasm. It's okay to say that you don't climax every time, or that sometimes you just want to be generous to your partner, or be the receiver of some generous, lavish attention. There has been a great deal of pressure to define sex as "meeting the goal of orgasm" and preferably simultaneously that it takes some of the pleasure just purely from touching skin to skin and enjoying each other's touch for touch's sake, away. Sometimes, you can have foreplay or intercourse and orgasm doesn't have to be a goal

Spiritual sex

A lot of people are curious about things like tantric sex, which is, like other forms of "sacred sex", acknowledging the spiritual component of engaging with each other in a naked, intimate vulnerable way. Understanding as a couple that you choose to be this with one another, is not just a physical experience, but a deeply gratifying emotional one, and one all couples, however they do it, with feeling, will benefit from greatly, especially while they are naked. Emphasis is on breathing together, sharing your feelings, preparing a safe and loving, stimulating space for sex together and enjoying who your lover is, and not just how they touch you.

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How Losing Weight Can Be Bad For Your Relationship

How Losing Weight Can Be Bad For Your Relationship

You might think that losing weight would spice up your love life - but new research suggests the truth can sometimes be very different.

Many relationships hit the rocks when one partner succeeds in losing a substantial amount of weight, a report suggests.

They break down because the partner who has shed the pounds starts nagging their other half to do the same, the research shows. (Read: Social Media Relationships)

The study, by North Carolina State University and the University of Texas at Austin, found there can be a ‘dark side’ to weight loss, if both partners are not equally committed to making lifestyle changes.

Some partners would make critical comments toward their significant other, be less interested in sex, or try to sabotage their partner with unhealthy food in order to derail their efforts and prevent the partner - and the relationship - from changing. (Read: How to Stack the Deck in Your Favour When Dating Online)

‘People need to be aware that weight loss can change a relationship for better or worse, and that communication plays an important role in maintaining a healthy relationship,’ said Dr Lynsey Romo, an assistant professor of communication at North Carolina State University.

One partner in each couple had lost at least 30 pounds in less than two years, with an average weight loss of about 60 pounds.

The participants were each asked about the impact of the weight loss on their relationship.

The researchers found that, after weight loss, the couples’ communication generally changed for the better.

The partner who lost weight was more likely to talk about healthy behaviours and to inspire their partner to make healthy lifestyle changes.

Couples in which both partners were receptive to these healthy changes reported a better relationship both sexually and emotionally.

However, in some cases, weight loss fractured the relationships.

Some partners who lost weight nagged their significant other to follow their lead, which caused tension in the relationship.

Other partners who hadn’t lost weight reported feeling threatened and insecure by their partner’s weight loss.

They would make critical comments toward their significant other, be less interested in sex, or try to sabotage their partner with unhealthy food in order to derail their efforts and prevent the partner - and the relationship - from changing.

‘This study found that one partner’s lifestyle change influenced the dynamic of couples’ interaction in a variety of positive or negative ways, tipping the scale of romantic relationships in a potentially upward or downward direction,’ Dr Romo said.

‘When both partners bought into the idea of healthy changes and were supportive of one another, weight loss appeared to bring people closer.

‘When significant others resisted healthy changes and were not supportive of their partner’s weight loss, the relationship suffered.

‘This study should not dissuade anyone from losing excess weight, but it should encourage people to be aware of the potential pros and cons of weight loss on their relationships. (Read: 10 Dating Tips to Make Dating Work for You!)

‘It is really important for the partner of someone trying to lose weight to be supportive of their significant other without feeling threatened by their health changes. 

‘This approach will help people lose weight without jeopardising the quality of their relationships.’

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The 7 How-To's of Love Relationships

The 7 How-To's of Love Relationships

Relationships were meant to be the joyful journey of two loving people striving towards fulfillment and enlightenment. If only it were that simple. At times, relationships have this curious way of leaving us more confused, frustrated and dissatisfied than does being single. We love our partner but we don't understand them yet we want to work things out. Escalating emotions lead us to overreact and over analyze. It's complicated, at best. (Read: How to Stack the Deck in Your Favour When Dating Online)

As a psychologist, I've been confessed every relationship dilemma imaginable. Some require deep analysis and serious effort, while others benefit from a quick fix. From cheating scandals to bitter betrayals to being married for 30 years but sleeping in different beds, I've been taught one monumental lesson by my career: there is a solution to every single conceivable problem.

No matter how seemingly perfect, all relationships suffer from some cause for concern. Chances are, your love relationship is speckled with some of the more manageable issues which are both temporary and reparable if the right actions are taken. Reflect on these seven how-to's and apply my solutions to reach emotional prosperity in your partnership:

How to settle arguments. Contrary to what you've heard, arguments can be quite a productive force in relationships. That's because it's not so much about the initial argument as it is about the final agreement. This means that how you resolve your disagreements and the conclusions you reach far outweigh the dispute itself. Never leave feuds unfinished or let things "go away on their own." An argument which occurs once is bound to becoming a recurring source of conflict. Compromise to resolve disagreements once and for all by eliminating the catalyst of your hostility.

How to encourage better communication. Most couples complain of communication issues. Not listening is a roadblock which impedes mutual progress. Yet it's a common issue because both partners hold dearly onto their egos and would rather not have their opinions questioned. The key to communication is to invite your partner to talk first. Ask your partner a key question, which is likely to lead him or her to releasing his or her thoughts and emotions. Once you have listened openly without speaking, tell your partner that you're ready to share your point of view. Speak to your partner as if you were speaking to your best friend: uninhibited, unintimidated and unafraid.

How to resolve recurring issues. The first step in resolving recurring issues is to dig to the root of the problem. This means, for example, that your partner's emotional issues are not random, but might stem from some childhood experience or a deep-seated need to be mothered. Once you've discovered the origins of the issue, you must address and manage this underlying cause before you can put a stop to a persisting problem. Breaking patterns of negative action largely involves a process of healing, as we often act out when we are hurting subconsciously.

How to cut out external influences. In my practice, I have seen that external influences are oftentimes the hidden reason for conflict. We unknowingly invite all sorts of energies into our relationship: family, friends and even enemies all play a role in the fluctuating dynamic between us and our partner. Even worse, we can sometimes misperceive the intentions of others and think that they wish us well when they might not. Be wary of the influences you allow to seep into your relationship. As a rule of thumb, keep most secrets strictly between you and your significant other. Your love relationship is an incredibly intimate bond and its details are best left between only its two members.

How to regain trust. Trust is more easily broken than built. And once trust is lost, it can become particularly tricky to recover. Regaining trust in someone else requires that you first establish trust in yourself. Once you understand that you will never fail yourself, put your partner to the test. Give your partner a mental point for each trustworthy deed: being on time, doing as they promised, being honest, etc. In time, your trust will be built up once more to a healthy degree.

How to make progress. Progress is a two-person sport. Both partners have to be in accordance and want to move in the same direction. Progress also necessitates a conscious desire to change. And the most powerful way to facilitate change in another person is to change yourself. If your partner simply won't budge, consider modifying your own behavior. Assess the situation and understand what needs to be tweaked to improve your relationship. For instance, if you find yourself doing all the work, take a step back and see how your partner responds to the sudden decrease in effort from your part. Their subsequent actions will show you where they stand.

How to keep love alive. Maintaining that "spark" throughout the years is difficult to do. For many, love fizzles out and habit creeps in. But that fleeting feeling of newfound love can be reenacted through a medley of new and old activities. Push your partner and yourself out of your comfort zones. To start, go back to the beginning and do something you loved to do in the first few months of your relationship. Leave the cell phones at home and communicate throughout the activity. Then, try something completely new, something you've always wanted to try but perhaps haven't had time. There are no excuses to doing whatever it takes to keep love alive. (Read: Work woes: sex difficulties in busy people)

How to make your partner happy. There is no simple answer when it comes to making another person happy because there is no guarantee that, even if your partner is given what they want, they will be satisfied. But the only infallible act to keep someone content is to show them unconditional love. Our partner will do things which will downright upset us, but unconditional love should step in as the little voice that reassures, "It's okay, we can work through this." Small reminders of love -- such as a short sweet message or a hot meal after a long day -- work wonders in helping your significant other understand that they are cherished.

All relationships will experience bumps in the road, but most problems can be resolved through a combination of compromise and simple, pure love. The more effort both partners put into crafting their connection, the more loving rewards they will reap.

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Research proves love actually makes people dumber!

Love may not only make you blind but also cause you to lose focus! People who are in love are less able to focus and to perform tasks that require attention, a new study has found. Forty-three participants who had been in a relationship for less than half a year performed a number of tasks during which they had to discriminate irrelevant from relevant information as soon as possible. It appeared that the more in love they were, the less able they were to ignore the irrelevant information. Love intensity thus was related to how well someone is able to focus. There was no difference between men and women.

The participants listened to music that elicited romantic feelings and thought of a romantic event to intensify their love feelings. Participants also completed a questionnaire that was used to assess the intensity of their love feelings. The results of the study by Henk van Steenbergen and colleagues from Leiden University and the University of Maryland differed from results from previous studies. (Read: How to Stack the Deck in Your Favour When Dating Online)

Previous studies showed that the ability to ignore distracting information is required to maintain a long-term romantic relationship.

Being able to control oneself (also called ‘cognitive control’) and to resist temptations that could threaten the relationship is essential in long-term love, researchers said. In the study, the participants had become involved in a romantic relationship only a few months ago. ‘When you have just become involved in a romantic relationship you’ll probably find it harder to focus on other things because you spend a large part of your cognitive resources on thinking of your beloved,’ Van Steenbergen said. ‘For long-lasting love in a long-term relationship, on the other hand, it seems crucial to have proper cognitive control,’ said Van Steenbergen.

Over time, a balance between less and more cognitive control may be critical for a successful relationship. Van Steenbergen emphasises that the link between romantic love and cognitive control is a new area of research. ‘The reason why romantic love is associated with cognitive control is still unknown. It could be that lovers use all their cognitive resources to think about their beloved, which leaves them no resources to perform a boring task. (Read: What Turns You On? 10 Fascinating Facts About Sexual Attraction)

‘It could also be that the association goes in the opposite direction: people who have reduced cognitive control may experience more intense love feelings than people who have higher levels of cognitive control,’ said Van Steenbergen.

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Is an Office Romance Worth It?

Is an Office Romance Worth It?

When Stella first started dating Melvin, she wasn't surprised to find herself the subject of office gossip.

Everyone seemed to have an opinion on her and the romance and even things completely unrelated to her! The two ended up getting married but not after making the decision that she would leave the company and move to another job. Intertwining work with pleasure is dangerous business and can work both in your favour and against you.

The good: A recent survey revealed that four out of ten people admitted to marrying their office sweethearts and having successful marriages despite the speculation that they don't last. "One of the many advantages of seeing someone from your workplace is that you're always around each other and that gives you a chance to know each other better," says Andrea Barlow, sales executive, at a Mumbai-based firm, adding, "The one thing you need to keep in check is being discreet. On the practical side, if the relationship were to blossom and lead to something more, you'd end up saving a lot of money and time."

These covert rendezvous' have quite a few plus sides. To start with, the thrill makes work exciting and not just a tedious nine-to-five experience. Above that, however, you have the constant company of someone who understands an extremely essential part of you — your professional life. It's that unique connect that most couples strive to find and it goes a long way in cementing the foundations of your relationship.

The bad: Typically, the biggest worry is that taking your 'work to bed' is unethical and can go against company norms. "Indulging in a work romance can potentially ruin your performance at work. Ask yourself if you'd rather be known as the guy having a fling or the best performer of the company," says relationship writer and expert, Pooja Kadam. "Dating someone from work can also give way to a lot of insecurities and competition. If you're both equally work-oriented, you might end up chasing the same promotion and that

kind of rivalry, despite being professional, can be toxic for a relationship," she adds.

The ugly: Prepare yourself for the 'what if it doesn't work out' situation, which, needless to say will be awkward and painful. The best way to ensure that an office romance doesn't damage your reputation or work is to make sure that it doesn't get too messy and other people don't get involved. By doing so, you will only save yourself the pain of your career being put in jeopardy. If your 'secret relationship' turns out to be a disaster, you have to make an effort to be a professional through it all, which might be a painstaking task.

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Why Young People in Japan Aren’t Having Sex

Why Young People in Japan Aren’t Having Sex

Japanese adolescents are opting out of sexual behavior. 

Young people in America often seem obsessed with dating, relationships, and sex. From hookups to friends-with-benefits to cohabitating to children before marriage, today’s couples aren’t afraid to make their own rules and create their own version of ‘happily ever after.’

However, sexual freedom and lack of inhibition in the bedroom isn’t a phenomenon that has spread worldwide. In fact, in Japan, young people seem firmly resolved to avoid sex and relationships altogether. The country is in the middle of what is being called a ‘celibacy epidemic.’

Not only are many young Japanese men and women single, but they are opting out of the pursuit of love altogether. 61% of single men and 49% of single women report that they are not dating, and 45% of women said that they despised by the thought of sexual contact. 25% of men said they felt the same way.

Many people blame this new celibacy trend on the changing social structures in Japan. Japanese women have finally been given the chance to excel in the workplace, and many of them have dedicated their lives to their careers. Japanese men, on the other hand, have been struggling to find work and be successful in this brave new world. As a result, dating and sex have become very complicated. Many Japanese men feel emasculated by successful and powerful women, while Japanese women don’t want to date a man who won’t allow them to work outside the home.

Japan also heavily discourages cohabitation and children outside wedlock. Many people live at home with their parents until they wed (or if they wed) meaning that young people often don’t have the space or privacy to enjoy a sexual relationship. Unlike American teenagers who often move out and live on their own during college and beyond, Japanese adolescents don’t have the same freedom. They might also not have the same encouragement to move out since it’s not part of their cultural expectations.

While many people are concerned about this new celibacy trend (as Japan’s birth rate has been dramatically falling), others say that it is just a natural transitional phase. Japan is a very modern country in many ways, but also one that has many traditional ideas about sex and marriage. And, like Americans, Japanese adolescents are very reliant on technology and virtual-reality relationships. This has greatly stunted their ability to date real life, and in fact, 1/3 of people under the age of 30 say they have never even been on a date.

Is there a way to get young Japanese people interested in dating and sex again? I think the issue cannot be rectified until men and women find a way to get past their gender expectations. While traditional family roles are desirable to many people (men and women included), millions of women do want to work outside the home.

It might take time for Japanese to slowly become more comfortable with these new gender roles, but once they do, I think dating will become more desirable to both sexes once again. After all, intimacy can be very nuanced and complicated, and sometimes it takes a little work and patience to get through dry spells.

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15 Little Tips to Make Your Guy Feel Loved and Special

Are you looking for ways to make your boyfriend feel special? Use these 15 tips on how to make your guy feel loved, and he’ll love you more for it! 

Appreciation in a relationship always brings both lovers closer together.

As a lover, you’d want to feel appreciated by your guy.

And just like you, your guy too would want to feel loved and desired by you.

Subconsciously, every guy craves to be seen as a special someone in his girlfriend’s life.

Your guy could try to please you and woo you, but unless you display your appreciation back to him, it would always make him feel unloved.

[Read: 15 sweet ways to make your guy feel wanted in the relationship]

The need to make a lover feel loved and special

Many relationships break down because the guy in the relationship feels neglected.

Just as women need pampering and reassurance from her man now and then, men have the need to feel loved and wanted too.

Your guy may say he’d want a girl who’s independent, but yet, he’d secretly hope you’d be just a little more dependent on him, because he loves the fact that he’s wanted and intensely loved by you.

Often, men who feel unappreciated or unloved in a relationship *even if the woman truly loves him to bits* go astray in search of another woman who can show him just how much he’s loved and needed in her life. And this is especially common in relationships once the stage of infatuation transitions into the next stages of love. [Read: The nine stages of love every couple goes through]

The little ways to make your man feel special

The little things you do, and the way you respond to your guy when he does something nice for you is one of the easiest ways to make a guy feel loved.

Communicate with him, understand him and go out of your way to do something special for him now and then. Display your affection for him through sweet, little romantic gestures and most importantly, tell him just how much you love him every now and then.

As the months turn into years in a relationship, it’s easy to overlook the little gestures or even take them for granted. And just as you start to take things for granted, your husband or boyfriend too would simultaneously start to feel unloved and neglected in the relationship. [Read: 36 sweet and cute things to say to your boyfriend to make him smile!]

15 easy ways to make your guy feel loved and special

Sometimes, you don’t need words to show your love. Just use these 15 subtle ways to make your guy feel special and loved, and he’ll realize just how much he means to you, even if you don’t use a single word to describe your love for him!

#1 Don’t be critical. Every time your guy tries to do something, be it to impress you or to achieve something in his life, avoid being overly critical. Even if you don’t believe in his abilities, try to talk to him about the pros and cons instead of criticizing him for the things he does.

Criticism feels like a big blow, especially when it feels like an accusation instead of a word of advice. If there’s something you want to tell him, you can always advise him as long as you avoid scorning him or treating him like a spoiled child. [Read: 10 things you should never say to your guy ever!]

#2 Guys hate insecurity. If there’s one thing that makes a guy feel neglected and ordinary, it’s when the girl he loves treats him like he’s just another guy. Don’t ever neglect him or give him less attention when you’re talking to another guy, especially one who your guy perceives as a threat.

If you’re in love with your guy, never make him feel insecure or threatened in the relationship. Always make him feel special and let him know that he’s the most important guy in your life. [Read: 25 ways to make your man feel really happy every single day!]

#3 Stand up for him. When you’re in public and someone speaks disrespectfully to him, support your man and stand up for him even if you think your man’s in the wrong. You can always tell him in private about your own opposing opinions. When both of you are in public together, he’d see you as his pillar of strength and he would be crushed to see you oppose him or gang up on him with someone else.

#4 Compliment him. Compliment your man when he makes an effort to impress you. Be genuine in your appreciation and commend him for being a good man, praise his achievements and accomplishments and go easy on the negative criticisms. Your compliments matter a lot to your guy, because he’d always take your opinions into considerations, and it also makes him feel good about himself. [Read: 25 compliments for guys they’ll never ever forget!]

#5 Flirt with him in front of others. Your guy may feel awkward when you cling to his arms or give him a kiss in public. But as awkward as he may appear, he’d still love your public display of affection. Just watching the other guys stare at him with jealousy is a high very few things can match up to!

#6 Accept your mistakes. If you make a mistake, be graceful enough to accept it. Avoid trying to manipulate your guy or tricking him into giving in or believing it was his fault because your ego is too fragile to accept faults. Your guy may not say it out loud, but he may realize that he’s being manipulated and hate you for it. Learn to let go of your need to be right every single time. It only makes you seem more human. [Read: 12 discreet and subtle signs of a manipulative lover]

#7 Give him your support. Let your man know that you’ll always be there for him. If you see him busy working on something or searching for something frantically, offer to help him instead of just watching him while lazing on the couch. Offering your help, even if he declines it, shows that you care about him and are always eager to help him out of a fix.

#8 Look your best. Look good for your man, especially when both of you go out together. Dress up, smell great and look fabulous in his arms. And each time his friend or colleague drops his jaw in awe of you, your man will thank his lucky stars for dating a girl who’s as awesome as you! [Read: 18 cute ways to look pretty and catch every guy's eye!]

#9 Give him attention in public. If you’re not into public display of affection, you can always compensate for that by being a playful tease! While sitting in a restaurant, slide your foot close to his and rub his foot with yours from under the table when he’s talking to his friends. Lean into him or hold his hand when you’re walking down the street with him. Be playful and flirty even if you’re being discreet, and your guy will feel so much more special! [Read: 12 naughty bad girl traits every guy wants to see in his own girl]

#10 Surprise him. You give him something nice on his birthday and every other special occasion, right? Well, don’t stop at that! Surprise him every now and then with little sweet gestures like movie tickets, or tickets to a game, a set of power tools, and other things that might excite him. Slip it into his hands when both of you are having dinner or when both of you get into bed. The gifts may be inexpensive, but your gestures, well, they’d make him feel like a million bucks!

#11 Unexpected affection. Tiptoe to your man from behind and hug him when he’s reading something. Walk up to him and kiss his cheek, or stare at him from across the room and wink at him suggestively. Indulge in these funny, surprising acts of love every now and then. It’ll make him smile and laugh, and most of all, it’ll make his heart swell with love.

#12 Comparisons. Never compare your man in bad light with other men, especially when you’re trying to make a point. It’s a low blow that’ll hit him hard and make him feel miserable. He may already know his weaknesses, but when you point it out to him by comparing him to some other man, he’d feel smaller and very emasculated. [Read:14 things you say and do that emasculates your man]

#13 Listen to him. Do you ever argue over a point of view with your man? Heated debates are completely acceptable in a happy relationship. But when he’s trying to explain his point of view, try not to see red and yell at him. Listen to what he has to say completely even if you know you’re only going to disagree. Ignoring his opinions will only make him feel like you don’t care what he thinks.

#14 Communicate with him. Communication in a relationship is one of the most important aspects of a happy relationship. If you want your guy to feel loved and special, try to understand him better by communicating with him.

Play games with each other, discuss issues while watching television, pillow talk in bed, and ask each other naughty questions over the weekend. It’ll help you understand your man better, and most importantly, it’ll make him feel like you really care about him and want to understand him better. [Read: 30 naughty and fun questions to keep the spark alive in a relationship]

#15 Physical intimacy. Physical intimacy doesn’t always mean sex. More than just sexual intimacy, a happy relationship also requires non-sexual touches like cuddles to feel loved. Sit on his lap, play with his hair, or give him an occasional backrub when you have some time on your hands. When you touch your guy in a non-sexual way or play with him while sitting together, both of you will feel good, and he’ll definitely feel really special to have you in his life. [Read: 16 non-sexual touches to feel connected and loved]

Try these 15 tips on how to make your guy feel loved and special when you’re with your guy, and your guy will realize just how lucky he is to date a girl who’s as wonderful and awesome as you!

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Is Your Online Dating Profile in a Slump?

According to StatisticBrain.com, 40 million people in the U.S. have tried online dating, a staggering number when you consider that there are only 54 million single adults living here to begin with—and that the kingpin of dating sites, Match.com, isn’t even of legal age to buy a pretty lady a drink at a bar.

But unlike approaching strangers in real life, the first impression you give online often comes from a cursory glance at a self-crafted roundup that acts as a summary of who you are, what you’ve got, and yes, what you look like, neatly packaged and ripe for picking by potential suitors. And if your profile bombs, odds are, those proverbial drinks, or winks, probably won’t be headed your way.

Enter It’s A Date!, a service dedicated to taking your online dating experience from blah to wow! founded by publishing veteran Deborah Sloan, where professional writers and interviewers will swoop in and save your profile from nasty habits like running on (and on) about your dog or using an outdated selfie that reeks of 2001. And yes, creative types: you, too, might need a helping hand, since, as Sloan points out, “Writing about yourself can be hard.”

If you feel like your online dating experience has been less than satisfying, or if you're feeling intrigued, keep reading to learn more about how It’s a Date! works, the number one thing you should avoid talking about online or offline, and how to put your best foot forward on the Internet.

(Photo courtesy of Deborah Sloan)

What’s one of the first questions someone asks you about It’s A Date!?

“How does it work?” or “What happens?” I walk our clients through everything step-by-step and make sure they’re comfortable interviewing with people they’ve never met. It’s pretty basic. A lot of the time, they’ll say they’re not sure what to say [when the questions are asked], so I’ll step in as their cheerleader. We’re trained to not talk about ourselves; it’s not polite. Yet opening up and carefully shaping that information is what’s going to help make a better online dating profile. Beyond that, we’ll get our clients set up with life coaches, help pick out their photos, help decide which dating site is best for them. We make sure each client loves their profile. I follow up with every client to make sure they’re satisfied, but I often never hear from them again—they’re happy and confident with what we’ve provided to them.

One of the biggest complaints I’ve heard about online dating is that someone might seem great on paper (or in their profile), but not so great in person. How do you approach that?

Your online profile will help you attract other people, so you should take it as seriously as anything else you’d prepare for, like a job interview. For example, you’d be working hard on your resumé, maybe call a recruiter for some coaching. What do you do before the big day? You’d get a haircut or have your hair styled, you’d pick out clean clothes, make sure you’re on time. You’d practice your elevator speech. You’d aim to land that job.

As relaxed as you want to be before a date—especially a first date—you’ve got to approach it the same way. It’s disappointing when you go on a date and see that the other person hasn’t taken the time and energy needed to present their best self. As far as someone being, say, not a great conversationalist: one thing I’ve heard from clients is that their profile helps ease their nerves when speaking with someone they’ve just met. Depending on what a particular client needs, we’ll break out certain pieces [of their profile]. People should go into their dates prepared to talk about things. There will be moments of silence and nervousness, of course, but try to keep a few bulleted things in your pocket. And please make sure you’re not just talking about yourself the whole time.

Would you suggest someone practice going on a date, then?

I do. It’s not something you necessarily need to practice with a friend; you can almost coach yourself with self-talk. When I give a speech, for example, I go over it and run it through my head several times before it’s time to do the real thing. Another way someone can ease the pressure is to do some homework. If you’re going to meet for a drink at a bar, check out the menu online. It seems trite, but small details can make us nervous and throw us off. It’s an easy way to keep yourself relaxed.

The number one profile killer is…?

Talking too much about past relationships. Yes, you want to mention you’ve been in a relationship to show you’re capable of having another one, but don’t talk in detail about exes or previous lovers. It’s a total bummer for the person who’s reading it. Same goes for when you’re on the actual date: don’t talk about exes, period. It’s okay to talk about children if you’re a parent, but cap it at a couple lines, max. Some people are uncomfortable talking about jobs with the current state of the economy. I guess the overall message is, don’t go overboard talking about just one thing.

Name your top five reasons why someone should give online dating a try.

1. If you’re thinking about it, you’re dateless—or you’re not getting the right dates. Whatever you’re doing at the moment likely isn’t working. 

2. If you’re shy, it’s great. A lot of people, especially if they’re just starting out with online dating, don’t know where to start. You can try it anonymously, and you can do everything within the privacy of your own home. Eventually, sharing gets easier. 

3. Online dating is just for that: dating. Not everyone at a bar or club is there to meet people. (See: Never Forget the Point of Online Dating)

4. It works. That’s not to say that other things don’t work. But it can be very hard to meet people while out and about. Many of us know of success stories where people have met online. 

5. We’re in the midst of back-to-school season. It’s a fresh start, and a chance to try something new. Think of it like this: you weren’t the same person between 4th and 5th grades. You’re not the same person now as you were last year. You’ve had new experiences. It’s a time to look at what you’ve been doing and see where you can make improvements. You’d take a deep breath before you get on the schoolbus. You can take a deep breath before you create a profile. You’ll find that, just like in school, you’ll probably wind up making some new friends.

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Fixing Relationship Problems with Humor

Using Laughter and Play to Build and Maintain Successful Relationships

We've all heard that laughter is the best medicine, and it's true. Laughter relieves tension and stress, elevates mood, enhances creativity, and boosts energy. Laughter also plays an essential role in building strong, healthy relationships by bringing people closer together, creating intimacy, and resolving conflict and disagreements. Whether you’re dating or in a long-term relationship, you can learn to use humor and play to strengthen the bond between you and help you fix relationship problems.

The power of humor and laughter

Humor plays an important role in relationships from initial attraction to long-term commitment. In new relationships, humor can be an effective tool not just for attracting the other person but also for overcoming any awkwardness or embarrassment that arises during dating and the process of getting to know one another. In longer-term relationships, humor can keep things exciting, fresh, and vibrant. It can also help you overcome conflicts, disagreements, and the tiny aggravations than can build up over time and wreck even the strongest of relationships.

Sharing the pleasure of humor creates a sense of intimacy and connection between two people—qualities that define solid, successful relationships. When you laugh with one another, you create a positive bond between you. This bond acts as a strong buffer against stress, disagreements, disappointments, and bad patches in a relationship. And laughter really is contagious—just hearing someone laugh primes you to smile and join in on the fun. But don’t worry if you’re not naturally a lighthearted, humorous person—you can learn to access your playful side and develop your sense of fun.

Humor and relationship problems

Humor isn’t a miracle cure for relationship problems but it can be an important tool to help you overcome the rough spots that afflict every relationship from time to time. Whether your relationship problems stem from issues connected to money, sex, commitment, health, employment, parenting styles, or growing apart, you can use humor to help resolve problems and strengthen relationships.

Humor can help you and your loved one:

• Form a stronger bond to each other. Your health and happiness depend, to a large degree, on the quality of your relationships—and laughter binds people together.
• Smooth over differences. Using gentle humor often helps you address even the most sensitive relationship issues, such as sex or in-laws.
• Diffuse tension. A well-timed joke can ease a tense situation and help you resolve disagreements.
• Overcome problems and setbacks. A sense of humor is the key to resilience. It helps you take hardships in stride, weather disappointment, and bounce back from adversity and loss.
• Put things into perspective. Most situations are not as bleak as they appear to be when looked at from a playful and humorous point of view. Humor can help you reframe problems that might otherwise seem overwhelming and damage a relationship.
• Be more creative. Humor and playfulness can loosen you up, energize your thinking, and inspire creative problem solving for any relationship issue.

Fixing relationship problems tip #1: Use humor to defuse conflict

Conflict is an inevitable part of all relationships. It may take the form of major discord between the two of you or simply petty aggravations that have built up over time. Either way, how you manage conflict can often determine how successful your relationship will be.

When conflict and disagreement throw a wrench in your relationship, humor and playfulness can help lighten things up and restore a sense of connection. Used skillfully and respectfully, a little lighthearted humor can quickly turn conflict and tension into an opportunity for shared fun and intimacy. It allows you to get your point across without getting the other person’s defenses up or hurting his or her feelings. For example:

Lori’s husband, a contractor, often comes home sweaty and dirty from his job. This is a major turn off for Lori, and when her husband tries to give her a romantic hello, she turns away and asks him to take a bath. This makes her husband angry, and he accuses her of not appreciating what he does for a living. To resolve this conflict, Lori has started turning on the tub water before he gets home, and then she playfully peels off his clothes when he walks through the door, and sometimes joins him in the tub.

Alex is retired, but he still goes up on the roof to clean the gutters. His wife, Angie, has told him numerous times that it scares her when he uses the ladder. Today, instead of her usual complaints, she yells up to him, "You know, it's husbands like you who turn wives into nags." Alex laughs and carefully comes down from the roof.

Humor—free of hurtful sarcasm or ridicule—neutralizes conflict by helping you:

• Interrupt the power struggle, instantly easing tension and allowing you to reconnect and regain perspective.
• Be more spontaneous. Shared laughter and play helps you break free from rigid ways of thinking and behaving, allowing you to see the problem in a new way and find a creative solution.
• Be less defensive. In playful settings, we hear things differently and can tolerate learning things about ourselves that we otherwise might find unpleasant or even painful.
• Let go of inhibitions. Laughter opens us up, freeing us to express what we truly feel and allowing our deep, genuine emotions to rise to the surface.

Fixing relationship problems tip #2: Make sure you’re both in on the joke

Like any tool, humor can be used in negative as well as positive ways. Making snide, hurtful remarks, for example, then criticizing the other person for not being able to take a joke will create even more problems and ultimately damage a relationship.

Humor can only help you overcome relationship problems when both partners are in on the joke. It’s important to be sensitive to the other person. If your partner or friend isn’t likely to appreciate the joke, don’t say or do it, even if it’s "all in good fun.”When the joking is one-sided rather than mutual, it undermines trust and goodwill and can damage the relationship.

Consider the following example:

Michelle’s feet are always cold when she gets into bed, but she has what she thinks is a playful solution. She heats up her icy feet by placing them on her husband Kevin’s warm body. Kevin hates this game, and has repeatedly told Michelle that he doesn’t appreciate being used as a foot warmer, but she just laughs at his complaints. Lately, Kevin has taken to sleeping at the far edge of the bed, a solution that distances them as a couple.

Humor in relationships should be equally fun and enjoyable for both people. If your partner doesn’t think your joking or teasing is funny—stop immediately. Before you start playing around, take a moment to consider your motives, as well as your partner’s state of mind and sense of humor.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you feel calm, clear-headed, and connected to the other person?
• Is your true intent to communicate positive feelings—or are you taking a dig, expressing anger, or laughing at the other person’s expense?
• Are you sure that the joke will be understood and appreciated?
• Are you aware of the emotional tone of the nonverbal messages you are sending? Are you giving off positive, warm signals or a negative or hostile tone?
• Are you sensitive to the nonverbal signals the other person is sending? Do they seem open and receptive to your humor, or closed-off and offended?
• Are you willing and able to back off if the other person responds negatively to the joke?
• If you say or do something that offends, is it easy for you to immediately apologize?

Fixing relationship problems tip #3: Don’t use humor to cover up other emotions

Humor helps you stay resilient in the face of life’s challenges. Bu,t there are times when humor is nothealthy—and that's when it is used as a cover for avoiding, rather than coping with, painful emotions. Laughter can be a disguise for feelings of hurt, fear, anger, and disappointment that you don’t want to feel or don’t know how to express.

You can be funny about the truth, but covering up the truth isn’t funny. When you use humor and playfulness as a cover for other emotions, you create confusion and mistrust in your relationships. The following are examples of misplaced humor:

Mike is a constant jokester. Nothing ever seems to get him down and he never takes anything seriously. No matter what happens to him or to anyone else, he makes a joke out of the situation. In reality, Mike is terrified of intimacy and commitment in his relationships, and uses humor to avoid uncomfortable feelings and to keep others at arm’s length.

Sharon is often jealous and possessive with her boyfriend John, but she has never learned to openly discuss her insecurities and fears. Instead, she uses what she thinks is humor to express her feelings. Her jokes, however, usually having a biting, almost hostile edge to them, and John doesn't find them funny at all. Instead of laughing, he often responds with a quiet coldness or withdrawal.

For cues as to whether or not humor is being used to conceal other emotions, ask yourself the following questions:

• Do nonverbal communication signals— such as tone of voice, intensity, timing—feel genuinely humorous to you, or do you experience them as forced or "not right” somehow?
• Is humor the only emotion you routinely express, or is there a mixture of other emotions that at least occasionally includes sadness, fear, and anger?

Fixing relationship problems tip #4: Develop your playful side

It’s never too late to develop and embrace your playful, humorous side. If you find yourself limiting your playfulness, it's possible that you're self-conscious and concerned about how you'll look and sound to others when you attempt to be funny or witty.

Fearing rejection or ridicule when attempting to be funny is an understandable fear, but it's important to point out that as a baby, you were naturally playful; you didn't worry about the reactions of other people. You can reclaim your inborn playfulness by setting aside regular, quality playtime. The more you joke, play, and laugh—the easier it becomes.

• Monitor your partner’s nonverbal cues. If your partner is not appreciating or enjoying your attempts at humor, you’ll be able to tell from his or her body language. Does her smile seem fake or forced? Is he leaning away from you or leaning towards you, encouraging you to continue?
• Avoid mean-spirited humor. It may work for some comedians on stage, but used one-on-one at home, it will not only fall flat but may also damage your relationship. Saying something hurtful or insulting, even when framed as a joke, will alienate the other person and weaken the bond between you.
• Create inside jokes. An inside joke is something that only the two of you understand. It can often be reduced to a word or short phrase that reminds you both of a funny incident or amusing story, and is usually guaranteed to generate a smile or laugh from the other person. When you and your partner are the only ones “in” on the joke, it can create intimacy and draw you together.
• Don’t be afraid to “play the fool.” Remember, you’re not trying to impress or entertain your partner, but simply to lighten up and make the two of you more relaxed. Goof around, wear wacky clothing, be silly like a kid. It can lower your partner’s defenses, relieve tension, and help you to smooth over differences.

It’s safe to start with self-deprecating humor

If you’re uncomfortable with making lighthearted banter or cracking jokes, or you struggle to know what’s appropriate in any given situation, start by using self-deprecating humor. We all love people who don’t take themselves too seriously and are able to gently poke fun at their own failings. After all, we’re all flawed and we all make mistakes. So if you’re having a bad hair day or you’ve just spilled coffee over yourself, make a joke about it. Even if the joke falls flat or comes out wrong, the only person you risk offending is yourself.

Once you’re comfortable making jokes about yourself, you can broaden your range to include other types of humor.

Cultivating your sense of humor and playfulness

The process of learning to play depends on your preferences. Begin by observing what you already do that borders on fun or playful. For example, you may like to:

• Tell or listen to jokes
• Watch funny movies or TV shows
• Dance around to cheesy music when you’re alone
• Sing playfully in the shower
• Daydream
• Read the funny pages/comic strips

After you recognize playful things you already enjoy, you can try to incorporate more humorous activities into your relationships. The important thing is to find enjoyable activities that loosen you up and help you embrace your playful nature with other people.

Another excellent way to get in touch with your playful side is to practice with "experts”:

• Play with animals. Puppies, kittens, and other animals—both young and old—are eager playmates and always ready to frolic. Make play dates with friends’ pets, stop to play with a friendly animal in your neighborhood, or consider getting a pet of your own.
• Play with babies and young children. The real authorities in human play are children, especially young children. Playing with children who know and trust you is a wonderful way to learn from the experts.
• Interact playfully with customer service people. Most people in the service industry are social and you’ll find that many will welcome playful banter. Try your wit out on a friendly cashier, receptionist, waiter, hostess, or salesperson.

As humor and play become an integrated part of your life, you'll begin to find daily opportunities for using your newfound skills to help build and maintain your relationships.

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